Mini parties in clouds of mindful unknowing

I am not busy ... This year I have tried mindfulness guided meditations. I initially looked them up earlier this year when I was trying to manage pain. I did a careful Internet search and when I found something I didn't like, I started searching again. I knew I didn't want some vaguely spiritual inner healing weirdness. I wanted something not aligning itself to spirituality. Why I wonder now? I don't know. But now I am also wondering if that is even possible? This links to another set of things I have been musing on. Is mindfulness meditation prayer? I thought it wasn't but now I'm not sure. Of course this is hard to answer because I have no idea what prayer actually is. When I have tried to put it in to words sometimes those words have been something about a deep connection with God who is in deep connection with Gods own self doing the loving and grieving and business of aliveness. Prayer for me I think is about joining with God in that love and celebration and loss and pain of aliveness. I have recently been reading up on Apophatic prayer as suggested by my spiritual director. I read today something by a Father McLeod "One seeks to reach beyond conscious awareness — beyond thoughts and images — and arrive at the depth of one’s being, there to await the coming of the Lord" That is what I've been trying to express as prayer. There is loads more from him here http://opcentral.org/resources/2015/01/13/frederick-g-mcleod-apophatic-or-kataphatic-prayer/ So if the cloud of unknowing paradoxically is a cloud of more knowing maybe part of the journey to that can be through the vehicle of mindfulness meditation... "One will also become increasingly more interior as one lives more and more in tune with the deep solitary core of one’s being. This in turn will make one more fully human (59), enabling one to be sensitive to new dimensions of beauty and potentiality and impelling one to love as Christ has loved in a truly universal way (117-18)." This sounds a little like my experience of being present and connected to my body whilst not being over awed by the pain and discomfort it was in. So what I've not been doing is mantra to start, the intentionality to name and seek God in this. I do that during reiki, and I am going to try it pre mindfulness meditation and throughout. So not being busy has led to some more stuff to try. But this is more like a mini- party as Stephen Cherry talks about in Beyond Business

The other day my spiritual director asked me the question he often asks me after I've talked and talked; "what does God see looking at you now?". Sometimes I start to say things which are just my unconscious self having a go at me. I know this because the words or intent is judgemental or mean or sarcastic. Other times when I'm asked the question I pause and enjoy sitting quietly resting on God's gaze. The other day I answered that if God had a red pen God would mark my paper 'could do better" (Green pen these days I know but I'm old!). My SD asked 'is that really God?' And on this occasion I can say it wasn't my mean unconscious. The intent behind the words was full of love and grace not pettiness. I'm not busy has led me thus far to notice that I could do better in terms of even noticing God in daily life. So today I willuse the technique taught to me by a colleague; every time I get up from sitting down I will bring my right arm up to my heart and be grateful to God for something in that moment. I'm not busy

http://www.sacristy.co.uk/blog/2015/10-easy-ways-to-avoid-work-stress Tips #1 above are allocate a fixed amount of time for certain tasks because tasks fill the time given to them. Whereas Secondly I am asked to give longer to other tasks, like the walk to work and then there's chance for time to notice the world around me. I like this re ordering. I tend to squeeze the travel time and don't set limits on mundane tasks. A friend of mine says his colleagues all over work so he takes the time off they're not using. He actually works very hard and performs excellently yet he does seem to have time for a brew and chat. This is my plan for today. I have to be at work for a 10:30 meeting and had planned to be there for 10 to tidy up a bit. I'm going to set off at 9:30 giving me time for a slow walk and time to chat in the cafe when I arrive. If I notice any changes to my well being or if I notice God I'll let you know. I did notice God yesterday and this morning. I was being quiet. No tv, no radio, no social media. Only probably 15 minutes in total but I feel better connected already. I'm not busy.

I'm not busy

Today is the start of lent. I am currently recovering from a viral infection which has incapacitated me for 2 months. I'm now back at work on a phased return but that's going to be really hard once people get used to me being back - hard for them and me. I haven't 'found God' in my illness like some people seem to. I've not been to corporate worship for 2 months and my accountability group hasnt met. I am feeling hungry for spiritual nurture. I am tired and achy. And I'm scared of getting really unwell again. So what did I decide to do for lent? Not buy sweets and snacks; the thinking being that due to having done little moving for 2 months I'm getting fat and this might help. Not deeply challenging or spiritual. Then this morning Richard Coles tweeeded about a campaign called I'm Not Busy. So this lent as well as cutting out on snacks I'm going to find time each day to do nothing. I'm also going to be tougher with myself about what I don't have to do. And to hold myself to account I'm going to blog a bit. I'm hoping to look out for Jesus in this. I'll let you know what I notice.

the last of the blogs

Only 4 days to go until I can reclaim the children of clay who have been out and about during Lent.
I say collect them - one of them is missing, but the other one is still there, safely wedged into a spot near the local corner shop.

I have found some peace during Lent on what I am meant to be doing with my life.

The dilemma is this. I want to crack on with changing the world and seeing justice. Since being about 17 I thought that when I grew up I would foster pregnant teenagers. My life has taken various twists and turns and this will not now be possible for various reasons. There are lots of other things I would like to do to make the world a better place - a human rights lawyer maybe!

And where am I?

I am working in the church! Where lots of time is spent trying to encourage the leaders to be braver and to take the risks they know they need to take. Or with kindly people who really need to fire up and engage with God in a more dynamic way.
I am not getting on with being out there changing the world, and I find this very frustrating. And yet I am sure that this is the thing I need to be doing for now.

For the last 18 months or so I have been really struggling with this, but this Lent I think - with the help of the children of clay - I have just about accepted the situation.

When I made the clay figures I didn't want to send them out, worried they would not be safe. After they had been gone a few days I felt reassured having them there - almost guarding me. Since then I have come to terms with the fact that 'out there' is is somewhere I already am.

I have always lived with one foot in church and the other in the big wide world. There is tension to this, which I am used to living with; and I am beginning to see myself as a gift to both the worlds with the understanding I have of the other. I have written so many words about all of this, and spent so much time musing, praying and talking about this. And guess which of the words I have written excite me the most? Helping leaders to get on with taking risks.

So, I think therefore this is the end of my blogs.

I am content with where I am at. I am in the right place.

tiny sentries

It is more than a week since the clay sculptures I made have been out in the world.
I have thought about them everyday, to my surprise. You may remember that I was worried about their well being before I sent them out.
But now I think of them as tiny sentries watching over me and the world around them. I know this is ludicrous. But the change in my attitude to them is important.
I had thought they were vulnerable - and indeed they are - but they are also representing something strong. They are out in the cold and the wind, standing firm. I checked on them both today and they are still fine. They are starting to look like they belong there - almost.

So where do I belong? I definately belong out there too. I long to be so steady and reliable that people can depend on me to watch over them, but I often fail. I hadn't realised quite how much I depend on the steadfastness of my God until these tiny sculptures began to represent God to me, rather than representing my own journey.
But of course, as a follower of the Way I am seeking to imitate Christ, and I hope that the Spirit of God dwells within me in such a way that the Fruit of that God shows through my actions.

I am hoping that the next week produces more observations a I watch these little sculptures watch over the world around them.

And maybe I will be clearer about my role in the world too! Just maybe. And maybe I too will be brave enough to be steadfast in my vulnerabilities.

Looking a bit wonky

I have been inspired by Ric Stott's Lent discipline of 2011 with his Children of Clay ("I ask for wonder" is his excellent blog).
I took the idea and used it as one of three elements for a women's 24 hour residential I was leading earlier in February. As part of the closing worship I invited the women to take a lump of clay and challenged them to make their own 'child of clay' and play it somewhere in their community.
So I took the challenge I gave to them to heart, and with the remaining clay I made 3 little sculptures, and they sat in the kitchen looking a bit wonky, and to be honest a little but scary; indeed Child no. 2 said "what are those weird things doing in here?"
But I lived with them for a few days, and the longer they sat there the more concerned I became about letting them out into the big wide world by themselves.
They were representing to me the journey I have been on and blogging about - how to live the life I long to live, how to know the right place to be. Where would I put these little sculptures? How could I be sure I put them in the right place? I was becoming so unsure where to put them I nearly let them stay in the house where at least I knew where they were and that they were OK.
But of course this was the reason I need them to go out. They are representing for me my own need to be fully involved in the world. And like me, maybe there is no right or wrong place for them - maybe where ever they end up is the right place. Some of those places will be riskier than others.
On the first day of Lent I put them in a plastic bag and took them out with me - as one went in the bag it's head fell off and wouldn't go back on again; it was the first one I made and the next two were better designed so I decided I wouldn't use this one. So with two remaining I set off. One I have put about 3 metres from my front door, in a little corner in front of the Polish CornerShop run by an Asian man and which sells lots of 'british food' - a funny shop, not quite managing to be the heart of the community, but which has real potential to be.
The second one I took to work, and after an hour or so decided to take it out to the main square in Lancaster - which had been 'occupied' for a brief while before Christmas a part of the 99%, and which on Easter Saturday will host a HOPE for Easter festival. So my last sculpture is standing in a corner there - watching over the people having their lunch on the benches, the homeless drunk people hanging around by day, the night time revellers drunk by night, and the skaters wilfully ignoring the 'No Skating' signs.
So I had done it. They were out there.
And this is my Lent discipline.
I had no idea what I was going to do about this now!
So I waited to see what happens.